Family Friendly Jokes

[hawgdawg]

What's up here , no more jokes ?
Donald Trump and Hillary go into a bakery while on the campaign trail , As soon as they enter , Hillary quickly grabs 3 pastries and puts them in her pocket .
She say's to Donald , see how clever I am , the owner didn't see anything , and I don't even have to lie . I will surely win this election .
Then Donald say's to Hillary , " That's the same dishonesty , trickery and deceit you've displayed your whole life "
Donald say's , watch this , I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result's .
Donald then say's to the bakery's owner , " Give me a pastry and I'll show you a magic trick "
Curious , the owner handed him a pastry , and Donald ate it .
Then Donald ask's for another one , the owner hands him another , he eat's the 2nd one .
Then Donald ask for another one , the owner hesitate's for a second , then hands him another one , Donald eat's it as well .
The owner , starting to wonder where the trick is , ask Donald , so where did the pastries go ?
Donald say's , " Look in Hillary's pocket "

 

[Grumpy Since 55]

What's up here , no more jokes ?
Donald Trump and Hillary go into a bakery while on the campaign trail , As soon as they enter , Hillary quickly grabs 3 pastries and puts them in her pocket .
She say's to Donald , see how clever I am , the owner didn't see anything , and I don't even have to lie . I will surely win this election .
Then Donald say's to Hillary , " That's the same dishonesty , trickery and deceit you've displayed your whole life "
Donald say's , watch this , I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result's .
Donald then say's to the bakery's owner , " Give me a pastry and I'll show you a magic trick "
Curious , the owner handed him a pastry , and Donald ate it .
Then Donald ask's for another one , the owner hands him another , he eat's the 2nd one .
Then Donald ask for another one , the owner hesitate's for a second , then hands him another one , Donald eat's it as well .
The owner , starting to wonder where the trick is , ask Donald , so where did the pastries go ?
Donald say's , " Look in Hillary's pocket "

 

[GKL]

You asked !

The teacher asked an only child ......"how old is your father ?"

The kid replied 6 years.

The teacher replied WHAT ! .....How is that possible ?

He only became "father" when I was born.

 

[GKL]

That's Easy !

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is !

TEACHER: Correct, now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria!

 

[GKL]

Can you spell it ?

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile ?

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

GLENN: Maybe so, but you asked me how I spell it !

 

[GKL]

Copy Dog

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's, did you copy his ?

CLYDE: No sir ! .....it's the SAME dog !

 

[Rudy]

Two robins are sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," says the first one.
"Me, too," says the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They fly to the ground and find a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.
They eat and eat until they can eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," says the first little
bird. "Me neither," says the second. "Let's just lie here in the warm sun."

They plop down, close their eyes and bask in the sun. Almost immediately,
a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them down. As he sits washing his
face after his meal, he thinks... "I love baskin' robins."

 

[Dig-Dug]

Two robins are sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," says the first one.
"Me, too," says the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They fly to the ground and find a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.
They eat and eat until they can eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," says the first little
bird. "Me neither," says the second. "Let's just lie here in the warm sun."

They plop down, close their eyes and bask in the sun. Almost immediately,
a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them down. As he sits washing his
face after his meal, he thinks... "I love baskin' robins."

Good one Rudy!

 

[Rudy]

Good one Rudy!

Thanks. Here is another.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:

When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

[NectarDetector]

Thanks. Here is another.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:

When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

LOL Great moral, but... who hunts bulls?

 

[Grumpy Since 55]

LOL Great moral, but... who hunts bulls?

Their droppings are everywhere and apparently very tasty; seems many folks are full of it....

 

[GKL]

These are my pet fish

A man was stopped by a game warden in Ontario recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man:
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden:
"No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while.
I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said:
"Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said:
"Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

 

[GKL]

Something's Fishy

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.

On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman:
"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I "caught" them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by,
I should tell you to take orange roughy.
That's what she'd like for supper tonight."

 

[GKL]

X marks the spot !

Two dimwits rent a boat and go fishing.

They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.

1st dimwit: "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."

2nd dimwit: "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."

1st dimwit: "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

 

[Rudy]

A tough old cowboy from Dillon , Montana , counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died at the the age of 103, he left behind:

14 children,

30 grandchildren,

45 great-grandchildren,

25 great-great grandchildren and a

15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[GKL]

Good work ?????

George's boss told him:

"You do the work of three men !"

George replied: Really ?

then the boss replied:

Yeah..... Larry, Moe, and Curly !

 

[Grumpy Since 55]

Over 70?
Just A Thought...

People say circumcision does NOT hurt.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year!

When You Are Over Seventy
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
“You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”
I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”
She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
Cost me 6 stitches… but, when you’re over seventy… who cares?

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Lady Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you’re over seventy… who cares?

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but… When you’re over seventy… who cares?

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
“Really” she said, “Go on then… try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but… When you’re over seventy… who cares?

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but… When you’re over seventy… who cares?

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
Cost me 6 more stitches, but… When you’re over seventy… who cares?

 

[Rudy]

New Wine for Seniors


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to
make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as :
..
...
......
PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE)

 

[NectarDetector]

A blind guy goes into a bar

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking him "Wanna hear a blond joke?"

In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blond and a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond.

So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

 

[Rudy]

One liners.


*I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.*

*Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.*

*Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.*

*The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.*

*To write with a broken pencil is pointless.*

*When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.*

*The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.*

*A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.*

*A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.*

*When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.*

*The dead batteries were given out free of charge.*

*A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.*

*A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.*

*A will is a dead giveaway.*

*Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.*

*A backward poet writes inverse.*

*In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.*

*A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.*

*If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.*

*Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you a flat miner.*

*The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.*

*A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.*

*You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.*

*A calendar's days are numbered.*

*A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.*

*A boiled egg is hard to beat.*

*He had a photographic memory which was never developed.*

*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.*

*When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.*

*When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.*
*Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.*

*Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.*

*Acupuncture: a jab well done*