Evil Mutant Attack – Squirrel Of Death

Rudy

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EVIL MUTANT ATTACK – SQUIRREL OF DEATH

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I
was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and
slow traffic.

As I passed an oncoming car; a brown, furry missile shot out from under
it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when
it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was
no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over
animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle but a squirrel should pose
no danger. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers,
never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing
on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve
in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened and at the last possible
second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel
for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you heathen scum!"

The leap was nothing short of spectacular! He shot straight up, flew
Over the handlebars and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he
set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20
of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing and
tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed
only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves and jeans this was a bit
of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some
damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a
quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally
managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent
off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I
recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should
have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have
sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his
business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the
wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary
angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and
with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump
and an amazing impact; he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his
rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed
to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were
continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the
least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand
(the throttle hand) on the handlebars and my jerking back unfortunately
put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A
healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley can only have one result:
TORQUE!

This is what the Harley is made for and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel
screamed in anger. The Harley screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in...
well, I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a huge black
and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt,
wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly
accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a
demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are
both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on
the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the
mutant squirrel to his own devices but I really did not want to crash
into somebody's tree, house or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured
out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded.
I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against
the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI
attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my
full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began
hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It
had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPM's on the Dragon
maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so
her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy
squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By
now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand.... I managed to grab his tail again,
pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I
could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of...so to
speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled
off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to
do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome
cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze and
wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel,
and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a
live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big
motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I
then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire
smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to
'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really...Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned
about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of
the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side
was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly
moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was
standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and
upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the
squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one
dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car... but it
was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right
turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided
it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of
Band-Aids.
 
funnyup.gif


Another great one Rudy!
 
"I heard screams. They weren't mine..."

This is another classic. :lol:

I agree Angel. I had posted this one earlier, as well as the roping a deer someone else posted earlier today again. These are classics and worth reposting once they run off the end of the board.;)
 
That is as funny as the deer roping, how do you come up with them?
 
A squirrel committed suicide today.. ran right out in front of my truck.. I knew I got him when I heard a crunch :yes: now its crow fodder..
 
A squirrel committed suicide today.. ran right out in front of my truck.. I knew I got him when I heard a crunch :yes: now its crow fodder..

For your sake, I hope you don't get to meet his son.

"My name is Enriquo Montoya. You killed my father ... prepare to die."
 
I've known psychotic squirrels, one thought he was a ninja and the other just kept watching.....and watching.....
 

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Squirrels are evil. A buddy of mine and his new wife had been to the movies to see "The Excocist" back when it first came out. That night after midnight they heard strange noises in their attic. Haunted by the movie they were scared out of their wits. They didn't stay there for 3 days, until they found a squirrel had chewed it's way in and was running around at night.
 
My dog Jake, buries biscuits, to soften them up a little. Squirrels dig them up... Least the dog fills in his holes.
 
HarveyH48,
He just looks plum hungry.
 

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