Family Friendly Jokes

My last trip to the doctor the doctor solemnly told my wife "We're sorry ma'am we did all we could do" but, he pulled through"
 
The Hearing Test

The Hearing Test

A husband, on a regular check-up at his doctor's office told the doctor......

"I think my wife might have a problem with her hearing"

The doctor said....

"at home, try this test, stand 15 feet behind her back and say something to see if she responds"

"if you get no response, move 3 feet closer and try again, keep doing this till she responds"

.....at his next check-up the doctor asked......

"how did it go with testing your wife's hearing ?"

The husband replied......

"Doctor, I tried what you suggested, I started out at 15 feet and said "Honey ?" with no response,

so I kept repeating "Honey ?" moving 3 feet closer each time.....

and when I finally got to just 3 feet behind her, my wife turned around and said....

"For the FIFTH time - WHAT ?" :laughing::laughing::laughing:
 
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
 
One liners, okay, maybe also 2 or 3 liners

(Show Me A Marriage With Humor and I'll Show You A Healthy Marriage)

Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way,
and the other is to let her have it.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A husband said - I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.
Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”
His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
 
Say What ?

A husband was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed this question to his wife of 30 years:

“Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”
 
Legitimately Lazy ?

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
 
Weight a minute ?

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
“Ha!!! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said.
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
 
A bouqet of flours ?

Harry and Barbra heard about a marriage seminar being given in their neighborhood and they decide to attend.

“One of the most important things in marriage”, said the speaker, “is to get to really know your spouse well. For example,” continued the speaker,
“How many of you know what’s your wife’s favorite type of flower?”

Harry leaned over to Barbara and whispered, “it’s Gold Medal all-purpose flour isn’t it?”
 
This is tooth much !

Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment.
“How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.” “It’s $130”, was the prompt reply.

“$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” “Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.”

“Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” “Perfect”, said Sally happily.

“I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
 
You can count on Adam

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."
 
Diet Motivation !

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.

It was then I shared my dark secret:
"I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer."
 
Get the message ?

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days.
To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant "Give me a kiss."
Two taps meant "No."
Three taps meant "Yes"
.....and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
 
The doctor said to his lady patient...." I'm so sorry to tell you... you have stage 4 cancer and may only live a few weeks"

She said to the doctor... "I want a second opinion".

The doctor replied "well, you're ugly too!"
 
Why did luke have to use an iPhone?
Because his galaxy was far far away.

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?
Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

Who tries to be a Jedi?
An Obi-Wannabe

Q: What is a jedi’s favorite toy?
A: A yo-yoda :yoda:

Q: What do you call a pirate droid? :pirate:
A: Argh2-D2

Q: Where does Jabba the Hutt eat?
A: Pizza Hutt :pizza:

Q: What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name?
A: “The”
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum that it COULD be done!
 
Kind of long , I'll try to make it quick .

A plane was traveling across the country , when suddenly , the co-pilot tells the captain , the # 3 engine is on fire . Captain say's to extinguish the fire and he'll notify the passengers to quell their fears . He gets on the radio , and tells the passengers what happened , and all is well , but it will cause about a 30 minute delay in their arrival time .
A little while later , the co-pilot tells the captain , the #2 engine catches fire . The captain tells the co-pilot to extinguish the fire while he informs the passengers . He tells everyone about the fire and all is well , but it will delay their arrival time for about an hour and 15 minutes .
About an hour later , the co-pilot again tells the captain , the #1 engine is on fire . Again the captain tells the co-pilot to extinguish the fire while he informs the passengers . Attention all , we seem to have lost the #1 engine due to another fire , but don't worry , we are perfectly able to safely make it to our destination . But it will delay our arrival time for about 2 hour and 30 mins . Thank you .
Sitting at the back of the plane is a couple of foreigners , one foreigner looks at the other one and say's , geez , if that 4th engine goes out , we'll be up here all day !
:lol:
 
Read the Label !

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.


:laughing::laughing::laughing:
 
A very rich oil tycoon from Texas died one day and found himself at the Pearly Gates of Heaven . St Peter starts to walk the man around showing him all the sites in heaven . All the while , the rich tycoon going on and on how everything in Texas is bigger and better than in heaven . St Peter becoming more and more frustrated , walks the man to the edge of heaven and they look down into the firey pits of hell , and asks the tycoon if they have anything like that in Texas ? The tycoon looks and says , Naw , we sure don't . But I know an ole boy in Houston that could put it out .
 
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